So to speak by Eliza Bern

Saying what you mean and meaning what you say can save the day [and your relationship], writes Eliza Bern [mX p19, 4 Sept 2009].

Fine. Fine? Fine.

Funny how such a simple word can mean so many things - especially when it comes to love.

"Would you like some of my chips?" "No thanks, I'm fine."

Translation: No thanks, I'm fine.

"Would you mind putting the bins out?" "(sigh) Fine."

Translation: Yes I would mind, but I'd rather do it than argue about it.

"What's wrong?" "Nothing's wrong. I'm FIIIIIIIIINNE."

Translation: I'm not fine. Everything is wrong and it's clearly your fault."

There's nothing fine about the word fine at all.

But in the linguistics of love we often say things we don't mean. And other times we don't mean the things we say.

Just as a mother tells her emotional, gibbering tot to, "use your words", sometimes we need to rethink how we say things as adults.

Even on a first date, a heady cocktail of hormones and nerves can render us tongue-tied (and not in the way we might have hoped).

In a relationship, there will be disputes - guaranteed - and emotion can often get the better of us. Throw in some anger and defensiveness and either we start blabbering and blurting things out like a vocab-challenged toddler or we shut down and dish out the silent treatment, with a side serve of: "I'm FIIINNNNE."

Anne Hollonds from Relationship Australia says one of the keys to untangling tongue-tied situations is to find the balance between silence and blabbery - something that takes practice.

"Going quiet is actually a form of communication," Hollond says. "Introverts need time to gather their thoughts and be sure of the words they are going to use."

"Extroverts are more likely to think out loud and talk constantly - sometimes it's just gibberish."

But, with so many ways to communicate, why do people fail to say what they feel?

"We have this romantic notion of soul mates and assume that if the person loves us and knows us, it should be easy and they should be an expert mind reader and know what the problem is," Hollnd says.

"It's also a cultural thing. We're brought up to believe that being assertive about needs is not acceptable, but that is a negative and dangerous path to take."

LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN

Listening is not simply waiting for your turn to talk. We're often so busy trying to speak or seethe that we don't really hear the other person's story.

When you first start dating someone, how well you listen can determine how well you get to know them and set up future patterns of communication - good or bad - you choose.

If, while he's talking about his passion for astrophysics, you're thinking about whether you have lipstick on your teeth, a relationship is unlikely to blossom.

In the world of coupledom, it's essential to understand that your partner probably has a different style of articulating their emotion so give them time and encouragement to speak.

And whatever you do, don't interrupt. Just listen. This will help ease tension and can head off a potential argument.

CLEAR AND PRESENT

Once you have listened to the other person, it's time to use those words you've been learning all your life. Start by taking a deep breath and thinking about what you want to say.

Hollonds says using objective "I" statements rather than accusational "you" statements is the way to go.

Good: "I'm dissapointed that you were late meeting me."

Bad: "You obviously don't care enough to be on time."

Say what you mean but be sensitive and objective, Hollonds suggests.

"Everyone says or does the wrong thing at some stage," she says.

"It's how you deal with it as a couple that will decide if you can go the distance or not."

Hollonds says a common thread among happy, long-term couples is that they have worked and built a partnership.

"A lot of couples don't have a sense of relationship because they have an "it's-all-about-me mentality," she says.

But it's not all about you. It's also about your partner. Listen, ask questions, reassure them and work at repairing the relationship when things go wrong. And perhaps things will be truly, beautifully and enduringly... fine.

*Relationships Australia: 1300 364 277

Beautifully Imperfect - my eulogy.

"The Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports (MCYS) is deeply saddened by the sudden demise of Yasmin Ahmad, on Saturday 25 July 2009, at 11:25 pm.

Yasmin was perhaps best known for the movies she directed between 2003 and 2008. She won our hearts with her work that dared to push the boundaries of social norms.

To many of us, we will remember her for teaching us about what family really meant - treasuring everything, especially that which is beautifully imperfect, in our loved ones. But above all, she was a most treasured friend.

We shall miss you dearly, Yasmin."

Change your thinking.

This is another email going around since when... it is good to re-read and psot it here as we often delete our emails. Thanks to Vilma R for resending this back.

"Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.

His bed was next to the room's only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end.

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation..

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.

Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats.. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.

She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, 'Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.'

Epilogue:

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.

Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy.

'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present .' "

Nails in the fence [Anonymous]

"There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said:

'You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. But It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound will still be there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.'"


Via email from Kuyang Domzie

The last lecture by Dr Randy Pausch

Let it all be...

Sir Paul McCartney, with daughters; Mary [left] and Stella [right]. [Photo credit: Daily Mail]

The story behind the song "Let It Be" as told by Paul McCartney to Marlo Thomas.

Excerpt from the book The Right Words At The Right Time -- by Marlo Thomas [as emailed to me by Arjan].

"Let It Be is a product of a lovely dream.

"I was going through a really difficult time around autumn of 1968. It was late in the Beatles' career and we had begun making a new album, a follow-up to the White Album. As a group we were starting to have problems. I was sensing that the Beatles were breaking up, so I was staying late at night, drinking, doing drugs, clubbing, the way a lot of people were at the time. I was really living and playing hard.

The other guys were all living out in the country with their partners, but I was still a bachelor in London with my own house in St. John's Wood. And that was kind of at the back of my mind also, that maybe it was about time I found someone, because it was before I got together with Linda.

So I was exhausted! Some nights I'd go to bed and my head would just flop on the pillow; and when I'd wake up I'd have difficulty pulling it off, thinking, "Good job. I woke up just then or I might have suffocated".

Then one night, somewhere between deep sleep and insomnia, I had the most comforting dream about my mother, who died when I was only 14. She had been a nurse, my mom, and very hardworking, because she wanted the best for us.

We weren't a well-off family - we didn't have a car, we only had a television - so both of my parents went out to work, and mom contributed a good half of the family income. At night when she came home, she would cook, so we didn't have a lot of time with each other. But she was just a very comforting presence in my life. And when she died, one of the difficulties I had, as the years went by, was that I couldn't recall her face so easily.

So in this dream 12 years later, my mother appeared, and there was her face, completely clear, particularly her eyes; and she said to me very gently, very reassuringly, "Let it be."

[Courtesy of Apple Records]

It was lovely. I woke up with a great feeling. I was like she had visited me at this very difficult point in my life and gave me this message:

Be gentle, don't fight things, just try and go with the flow and it will work out.

So, being a musician, I went right over to the piano and started writing a song:"When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me" ... Mary was my mother's name...

"Speaking words of wisdom, let it be, There will be an answer, let it be"

It didn't take long. I wrote the main body of it in one go, and then the subsequent verses developed from there: "When all the broken- hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be."

So those words were really very special to me, because not only did my mom come to me and reassure me at a very difficult time in my life - and sure enough, things did get better after that - but also, in putting them into a song and recording it with the Beatles, it became a reassuring, healing statement for other people too."

------------------------

Similar post here, but longer.

Pulping the past

An excerpt from Kylie Northover's interview and subsequent article of former Pulp frontman - Jarvis Cocker; re his inner rock star and new album: Further Complications:

"The idea of a performance being a one-off appeals to Cocker.

"It gets on my nerves when people seem to be so intent on filming everything on their mobile phones. I just wish people would experience it and be in the moment," he says.

"It used to be when you went on holiday you'd see families where the father couldn't interact with anyone, so he'd stand there with the video camera filming the whole holiday and you'd think: 'What a sad character.' Now young people are doing it - it's bad. They're becoming middle-aged before their time."

"Cocker says having something that lingers only as a memory is better, as it changes over time.

"It gets altered by your brain, by your perception, whereas if you've just got a crappy, hand-held phone footage version of it, it brings it all crashing down to earth, you know what I mean?"

[My pilfered copy of Sydney Morning Herald's Spectrum, June 13-14, 2009, p 11.]