So to speak by Eliza Bern

Saying what you mean and meaning what you say can save the day [and your relationship], writes Eliza Bern [mX p19, 4 Sept 2009].

Fine. Fine? Fine.

Funny how such a simple word can mean so many things - especially when it comes to love.

"Would you like some of my chips?" "No thanks, I'm fine."

Translation: No thanks, I'm fine.

"Would you mind putting the bins out?" "(sigh) Fine."

Translation: Yes I would mind, but I'd rather do it than argue about it.

"What's wrong?" "Nothing's wrong. I'm FIIIIIIIIINNE."

Translation: I'm not fine. Everything is wrong and it's clearly your fault."

There's nothing fine about the word fine at all.

But in the linguistics of love we often say things we don't mean. And other times we don't mean the things we say.

Just as a mother tells her emotional, gibbering tot to, "use your words", sometimes we need to rethink how we say things as adults.

Even on a first date, a heady cocktail of hormones and nerves can render us tongue-tied (and not in the way we might have hoped).

In a relationship, there will be disputes - guaranteed - and emotion can often get the better of us. Throw in some anger and defensiveness and either we start blabbering and blurting things out like a vocab-challenged toddler or we shut down and dish out the silent treatment, with a side serve of: "I'm FIIINNNNE."

Anne Hollonds from Relationship Australia says one of the keys to untangling tongue-tied situations is to find the balance between silence and blabbery - something that takes practice.

"Going quiet is actually a form of communication," Hollond says. "Introverts need time to gather their thoughts and be sure of the words they are going to use."

"Extroverts are more likely to think out loud and talk constantly - sometimes it's just gibberish."

But, with so many ways to communicate, why do people fail to say what they feel?

"We have this romantic notion of soul mates and assume that if the person loves us and knows us, it should be easy and they should be an expert mind reader and know what the problem is," Hollnd says.

"It's also a cultural thing. We're brought up to believe that being assertive about needs is not acceptable, but that is a negative and dangerous path to take."

LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN

Listening is not simply waiting for your turn to talk. We're often so busy trying to speak or seethe that we don't really hear the other person's story.

When you first start dating someone, how well you listen can determine how well you get to know them and set up future patterns of communication - good or bad - you choose.

If, while he's talking about his passion for astrophysics, you're thinking about whether you have lipstick on your teeth, a relationship is unlikely to blossom.

In the world of coupledom, it's essential to understand that your partner probably has a different style of articulating their emotion so give them time and encouragement to speak.

And whatever you do, don't interrupt. Just listen. This will help ease tension and can head off a potential argument.

CLEAR AND PRESENT

Once you have listened to the other person, it's time to use those words you've been learning all your life. Start by taking a deep breath and thinking about what you want to say.

Hollonds says using objective "I" statements rather than accusational "you" statements is the way to go.

Good: "I'm dissapointed that you were late meeting me."

Bad: "You obviously don't care enough to be on time."

Say what you mean but be sensitive and objective, Hollonds suggests.

"Everyone says or does the wrong thing at some stage," she says.

"It's how you deal with it as a couple that will decide if you can go the distance or not."

Hollonds says a common thread among happy, long-term couples is that they have worked and built a partnership.

"A lot of couples don't have a sense of relationship because they have an "it's-all-about-me mentality," she says.

But it's not all about you. It's also about your partner. Listen, ask questions, reassure them and work at repairing the relationship when things go wrong. And perhaps things will be truly, beautifully and enduringly... fine.

*Relationships Australia: 1300 364 277