Top Five Regrets of the Dying

By Bronnie Ware

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly.

Choose happiness.

The Greatest Thing in the World by Henry Drummond

Today I've discovered Henry Drummond via reading Paulo Coelho's 'Like the Flowing River' [pp 142-145]:

"The test of man then is not, "How have I believed?' but "How have I loved?" The final test of religion is not religiousness, but love: not what I have done, not what I have believed, not what I have achieved, but how I have discharged the common charities of life.

Sins of commission in that awful indictment are not even referred to. By what we have not done, by sins of omission, we are judged.

It could not be otherwise. For the witholding of love is the negation of the Spirit of Christ [or GOD or GAOTU], the proof that we never knew Him, that for us he lived in vain."


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"Every one has asked himself the great question of antiquity as of the modern world: What is the summum bonum--the supreme good? You have life before you. Once only you can live it. What is the noblest object of desire, the supreme gift to covet?

We have been accustomed to be told that the greatest thing in the religious world is Faith. That great word has been the key-note for centuries of the popular religion; and we have easily learned to look upon it as the greatest thing in the world. Well, we are wrong. If we have been told that, we may miss the mark. I have taken you, in the chapter which I have just read, to Christianity at its source; and there we have seen, "The greatest of these is love." It is not an oversight. Paul was speaking of faith just a moment before. He says, "If I have all faith, so that I can remove mountains, and have not love, I am nothing. "So far from forgetting, he deliberately contrasts them, "Now abideth Faith, Hope, Love," and without a moment's hesitation, the decision falls, "The greatest of these is Love."

And it is not prejudice. A man is apt to recommend to others his own strong point. Love was not Paul's strong point. The observing student can detect a beautiful tenderness growing and ripening all through his character as Paul gets old; but the hand that wrote, "The greatest of these is love," when we meet it first, is stained with blood.

Nor is this letter to the Corinthians peculiar in singling out love as the summum bonum. The masterpieces of Christianity are agreed about it. Peter says, "Above all things have fervent love among yourselves." Above all things. And John goes farther, "God is love." And you remember the profound remark which Paul makes elsewhere, "Love is the fulfilling of the law." Did you ever think what he meant by that? In those days men were working their passage to Heaven by keeping the Ten Commandments, and the hundred and ten other commandments which they had manufactured out of them. Christ said, I will show you a more simple way. If you do one thing, you will do these hundred and ten things, without ever thinking about them. If you love, you will unconsciously fulfil the whole law. And you can readily see for yourselves how that must be so. Take any of the commandments. "Thou shalt have no other gods before Me." If a man love God, you will not require to tell him that. Love is the fulfilling of that law. "Take not His name in vain." Would he ever dream of taking His name in vain if he loved Him? "Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy." Would he not be too glad to have one day in seven to dedicate more exclusively to the object of his affection? Love would fulfil all these laws regarding God. And so, if he loved Man, you would never think of telling him to honour his father and mother. He could not do anything else. It would be preposterous to tell him not to kill. You could only insult him if you suggested that he should not steal -.how could he steal from those he loved? It would be superfluous to beg him not to bear false witness against his neighbour. If he loved him it would be the last thing he would do. And you would never dream of urging him not to covet what his neighbours had. He would rather they possessed it than himself. In this way "Love is the fulfilling of the law." It is the rule for fulfilling all rules, the new commandment for keeping all the old commandments, Christ's one secret of the Christian life.

Now Paul had learned that; and in this noble eulogy he has given us the most wonderful and original account extant of the summum bonum. We may divide it into three parts. In the beginning of the short chapter, we have Love contrasted; in the heart of it, we have Love analysed; towards the end we have Love defended as the supreme gift."

Click here for the rest of the sermon.

Run Through The Rain

"A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been about 6 years old, a beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, in such a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. Everyone stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the store.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day.

I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I get lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little girls voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said.

"What?" Mom asked.

"Let's run through the rain!" She repeated.

"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.

The child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain,"

"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.

"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

"This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?"

"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"

The entire crowd became silent. It was the type of silence were you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

The mother paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Some would laugh it off and scold the little girl for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said, but this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.

Then off they ran. Everyone stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.

I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

Sometimes we all need a good washing. God is the right place to go for the cleansing that can set your feet on a firm foundation and make your life peaceful and fruitful. And of course, confident!"

Author unknown

Tide of opportunity

People often handle life as they do bad weather. They while away the time waiting for it to stop. Yet the tide of opportunity comes to everyone.

Opportunity knocks all the time, but you've got to be ready for it. When your chance comes, you must have the equipment to take advantage of it.

The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, for time and chance happen to everyone. Take a second look at what appears to be someone's "good luck." You'll find not luck but preparation, planning and success-producing thinking.

When you're prepared for opportunity your chance for success is sure to come. The season of failure is the best time for sowing the seeds of success.

© 2009 YourDailyMotivation .com

An inspired life... Dame Jessie Coe Lichauco 11 Jan 1912

 

Sunshine and her grandmother, Jessie Lichauco, who is 93 years old and lives in a century old house by the Pasig River in Sta. Ana, Manila. Her husband, in the portrait above was Marcial Lichauco, a diplomat and historian. Here Jessie is telling us about the first transpacific flight by the Pan American Clipper, flight 001. She was there when it landed in Manila Bay in 1935 and she still remembers the captain's name. 

------------------------- Poem for Nana “My Giving Tree” She sits in gentle splendor watching the world through branches of age which have seen her grow from a girl with the heart of a woman to a woman with the soul of the world In her home on the river, grow impulses from the deepest roots to protect, to nurture, to enhance a giving tree shades her from life’s dark corners and her spirit protects its wholeness from the storms Spirits come to the tree house seeking the vision of age and the splendor of nature by her side a harmony of its own kind.. life flows both ways A gust of time has passed the wind has made the tree fall but its spirit is now free its seeds will be planted elsewhere and now she stands as one. (For Nana and her tree, after Typhoon Milenyo destroyed a large part of the tree) Sunshine de Leon Sept. 29, 2006 London, England

Jessie Lichauco at 98: Feasting by the Pasig, dances with memories

By Sunshine Lichauco de Leon Philippine Daily Inquirer

Posted date: February 07, 2010

MANILA, Philippines--When someone asked the “Birthday Girl” to dance, her fair skin almost blushed and a dreamy look came over her gray-green eyes. She said, “thank you, but I am dancing with my memories.”Together with a hundred guests of all ages and from all corners of life, Jessie Lichauco celebrated her 98th birthday last Jan. 10.   Talented 7-year-old Hannah sang the Philippine National Anthem in the garden of an ancient home along the Pasig River. Tita Jessie then personally greeted each guest with an energetic smile and spry movements, her ageless body moving in rhythm with the live big-band music provided by The Executives, whose selection of music from days gone by provided backdrop to the ever-flowing conversation.   Each friend or relative was there because this lady had left an unforgettable imprint on their lives. Larry Henares recounts, “When my wife Cecilia died of a sudden heart attack while we were in Paris, I was so devastated that I could not bear the thought of telling my children about their mother’s death. The first thing I did was call Tita Jessie—I knew she would know the best way to tell them and comfort them at the same time.”   Curiosity, adventure, love   When Jessie Lichauco, my grandmother, first came to the Philippines in 1933, she was 18 years old. The population of the country was 8 million, and many people still traveled in horse-drawn carriages. She became the wife, and later the widow, of lawyer-diplomat Marcial P. Lichauco. Her life during the past 76 years has allowed Jessie to witness and interact with people, places and events that make up a large part of Philippine history. She has seen the country at its best and worst. And although she is part Irish-Scottish-Cuban-Spanish on the outside, her heart is unquestionably Filipino.   Why did she embark on that 28-day ship voyage from America to the Philippines? She has always answered, “Curiosity, adventure and love.”   Watching her celebrate with the people she has befriended since her life’s journey began 8 decades ago, there is no doubt she continues to live with those three ideals in mind. Age has never prevented her from engaging every adventurous moment life offers her.   Many people have asked her what the “secret recipe” is to living long and appearing so much younger than she is. The answer is less likely found in following a particular diet or health program (other than fresh buko juice daily, very little meat or chicken, and no coffee, alcohol or smoking) than on certain guidelines for living.   The secret is simply in the way she views the world and lives her life, which allows her to remain so actively involved in it. “I am at the age of self-preservation,” my grandmother says. “I don’t worry about things over which I have no control.” She points out that stress of any kind goes through your mind and can affect your body. “You always have a choice—to be a grouchy old person or take life as it comes. I often tell young people that having a sense of humor is very important. Sometimes you think things are insurmountable. There is nothing you can do but accept it and move forward.”   Distinct beat   Not one to live her life according to clocks or schedules, her life flows according to its own distinct beat. “I do something if and when it feels right. I make decisions based on my instincts and my common sense,” she says. My grandmother also believes her good health is due to never holding any grudges. “Forgiving and letting go are not always easy but very necessary! Often something happens and the other person does not even know how hurt you are, so you are the one carrying around the pain. It’s a heaviness inside of you, so it’s better to ignore it and don’t let it weigh you down.”   My grandmother’s life has two distinct rhythms, and like the free spirit she has always been, she moves between them according to what life sends her way.   Many of her days are spent on her covered porch overlooking the 250-year-old Banyan tree in her garden, and the Pasig River.   “Nana’s corner,” as it’s been nicknamed, is where she sits and has everything she needs for comfort, security or entertainment.   “If you want to read, write or look at old photos, there are books, paper, pens and a magnifying glass. If someone comes over, I have my lipstick and hairbrush to freshen up. You should never lose a bit of vanity.” Having lived through the hardships of the Japanese occupation of Manila during World War II, she will not let anything go to waste. This has turned my grandmother into quite an inventor. She demonstrates how a Kleenex box has been recycled to make a bookmark and a filing box. Next to it is a very useful creation she is very proud of—an old Swiss cowbell attached (using a laundry clip) to a watch with big numbers, which a grandchild had given her. She can then tell time and call for assistance if needed.   Special memories   She reads the papers and watches the news to keep herself updated on current events. She shares her opinions on them and debates anyone, if asked.   My grandmother does not believe in the concept of being bored.   “Boredom comes from within yourself. It does not come from your surroundings. If you look around, there is always something you can do!”   “The whole world is my university and I am still a student,” she adds. “I am waiting to get my diploma from the university of life!”   Although she enjoys her peace and quiet, nothing delights her more than having a visitor drop by, whether expected or unexpected. Many arrive with questions that draw out the many stories safely tucked away into her memory. Their curiosity brings a special part of her alive, and within minutes, the vividly detailed recollections, observations on life or useful advice begins flowing. Most of all, my grandmother believes she is still on this earth because she must still have a purpose. Perhaps sharing the great gift of her memory with others is one such role.   An 8-year-old girl was introduced to her first postage stamp during a visit, when my grandmother brought out her stamp collection. After learning about the history of stamps, how it got there and how long it took, the girl went back to school eager to share her newfound knowledge with her classmates.   Often people arrive as strangers, but they always leave as friends. As a visitor once described, “Speaking to her is its own journey. Sometimes you will get a direct answer to your question, but quite often you are taken around the world on various tangents. At the end, you are not sure if she answered what you asked but you know you learned something!”   Personal treasures   Every so often my grandmother gets inspired and disappears into her bedroom for a few moments. “Ali Baba’s cave” as I call it, is a place that hides countless historic and personal treasures gathered over the decades. Whether an old document, letter or photo, the perfect item seems to always make itself known when needed to illustrate a story or highlight an otherwise faded piece of the past.   Accompanying her on the many events she still attends outside her home is its own adventure, as you truly never know where you will end up or who you will speak to.   But whether she approaches a group of Filipino veterans, or young American marines at a Memorial Day celebration, or strikes up a conversation with someone in the elevator, her openness ensures she ends up where she is supposed to be. With an ability to speak to anyone any time, and to gather their life story within minutes, she bonds with people with inexplicable ease.   She recalls, “One time I saw a man crossing the street in Belmont who looked so forlorn that it seemed he needed a friend. I smiled at him and he then asked why I smiled. I said, you looked troubled, like you needed someone to show some kindness to you. Minutes later, we sat on a bench and he unburdened himself to me. I never saw him again or got his name, but he left smiling.”   Sometimes, she reminds us, people are lonely and just need someone to talk to.   Perhaps it was because she herself lost both parents at a young age that my grandmother has lived every moment of her life with her heart as a compass.   “I always told my children: There is no difference between you and anyone else except opportunity. And no one has a right to look down on anyone else or treat them with less respect.”   The reality is that my grandmother does not consider age a disability, and this something she proves through words and actions.   No disability   During the Sta. Ana feast of St. Anne last year, she insisted on walking the 10-minute journey to church, a path without much light or a sidewalk. As the crowds began to push and shove to see the floats, I suggested we go somewhere less hectic for her safety.   Without saying a word, she began walking toward a back entrance of the church—down corridors, up rarely used stairways, and through doors we never knew existed. Her movements were so determined that, although we were worried, we had no choice but to follow.   As it turned out, our destination was a place the church would take its VIPs to in the days gone by—to a hidden hallway with a perfect view of the altar below. As she looked at us, amazed that we ever doubted what she was doing, I smiled and realized that my grandmother really does know best. Looking back at the birthday party that was organized by a few members of her family and catered by French Corner, she reflects.   “What pleasure it gave me to see so many people I love come to share in the delight of enjoying time on the Pasig River. There is nowhere else I would have rather celebrated. It’s reopened my eyes to possibilities—maybe a concert or theater can be organized next. I feel selfish having all this to myself!”   “I don’t know what 98 is supposed to look like or behave as I have never been here before,” she adds. “All I know is I am happy to be here, and count each day as a blessing. Before I sleep I thank the Lord for the day and ask him that I see the dawn.”   Nana has always said that if she ever needed to choose an object to describe her life, it would be a feather. As my grandmother listens to the hundreds of birds nesting in her Banyan tree, every so often she sees one of their own feathers gently float away.   Smiling to herself, she knows that if the right wind came along, she too could still fly away on her next adventure.

Full emo

"If they don't like IT it's probably because they're not putting the same emotion into IT that someone else [is] did!"

- Jeph Howard, The Used.

Metric conversion

"In order to feel real happiness there has to be an awareness of real sadness."

- Metric's Emily Haines

[Haines was born in New Delhi, India and raised in Canada, where her poet father, the late Paul Haines, instilled in her the idea that she could make a career from creativity... "I was coming from a very punk rock aethetic of, "fuck that, fashion has no place in music", she says. "I've come to realise that's complete bullshit. What you're wearing says something about you, whatever you want it to say, but there's no option of being mute."]

A Wish for the New Year...

"Recently I overheard a Father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the Father said, 'I love you, and I wish you enough'

The daughter replied, 'Dad, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Dad.'

They kissed and the daughter left. The Father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'

'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?'.

'I am old, and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,' he said.

'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?'

He began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone...' He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.' Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye."

Author unknown, thanks Luth for the email....